Band meeting - Brett? Present. Jemaine? Present. Murray? Present. Unfortunately, even with three of the main Flight of the Conchords cast on board, what clearly isn’t present here is a reason to see this low-budget flick.

To their credit, they quite wisely manage to do very little on screen – with only Bret McKenzie dabbling with a bit of (for the most part unconvincing) acting as Dr Cruise, but it’s not nearly enough screen time to warrant FOTC fans to go out of their way to watch. In fact, there’s nothing here to warrant anyone wasting 80 minutes of their precious life on.

Teacher Andre (Raybon Kan) and pupil Juliet (Jessica Grace Smith) meet up at a clinic for the weekend to undergo experimental drug trials. However, they soon realise that the clinic isn’t exactly Holby City. For starters, the acting and special effects on that show are far superior.

It appears someone has stolen my guitar. That's not good news at all.

At times Diagnosis: Death has the feel of an overlong video on YouTube that some Kiwi students thought would be funny to shoot on their camera phones. If only it was. The script could easily have been written by a deaf, old tramp at the side of a road in lieu of half a pack of broken biscuits. The way it was shot evoked as much fear as twenty minutes on a bouncy castle. And the only thing that was remotely scary was the acting - there isn’t any.

It wants to be scary and it wants to be funny. But sadly the only thing it ends up being is painful to watch.

This is not only an embarrassment to the New Zealand film industry as a whole, but it proves that the Conchords should really think long and hard about future film projects. If you need an extra Conchords fix, either get the dvds or go seek out the rather excellent Eagle Vs Shark starring Jemaine Clement, which easily pooh poohs on this stinker from a great height. Yes, the diagnosis really is that bleak.