You know you've made it as a director when you are asked to helm the sequel to one of the best action films of all time. That's exactly what happened to Finnish director Renny Harlin, who got to direct what transpired to be the disappointing Die Hard 2 in 1990.

Soon after this he met his wife actress Geena Davis, after which his career went properly pear-shaped. Coincidence? Not in the slightest, particularly when you consider he directed the 1995 Davis vehicle Cutthroat Island, which was so dire that it held the Guinness world record for biggest box office flop of all time.

And unfortunately, you know your days of being a go-to director are over when the only film you can get to direct is this miserable pool of bile.

In Ancient Greece - in Argos, specifically (the city, not the shop) - a young, cocky and confident Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) confronts an adversary and gets his back up by stating he's better than he his. They get into a scuff, and, as it turns out, Amphitryon kicks his arse. In doing so, he gets his kingdom and everything inside it.

Amphitryon is now king and struts around with an impressive chip on his shoulder. He declares to his wife Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) that he did it all for her. And for the gold, but mostly for her. She's not having any of it though and tells him that he did it all for himself. Still miffed at him, she's approached by a strange woman who informs her that she shouldn't worry as she will soon have another son, who will take over from the king and make everything all right. Alcmene is somewhat sceptical, as she doesn't particularly want Amphitryon anywhere near her. Luckily though, he won't be the daddy, as none other than the king of the gods Zeus himself will be the father.

True to her word, Zeus does pop down in an intriguing form - a bit like an elongated fart - and have his naughty way with her. And as the prophecy suggests, Alcmene soon gives birth to another son. Although given the name Alcides by the king, Zeus has named the boy Hercules.

Twenty years on and Alcides/Hercules (Kellan Lutz) is a strapping young man with an eye for the Princess of Crete, Hebe (Gaia Weiss); luckily for him, she has an eye for him too. Unfortunately, his brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) doesn't like the fact that his brother is in love and decides to do something about it by getting his dad to intervene and declare that he will marry Hebe and not Alcides.

To make matters worse, the king decides that Alcides should be sent off to war to go and do some killing and that, far, far away, to keep him out of the picture. Alcides goes, but not before his mum can tell him of his real family lineage and his real name. He vows to return and restore order to the kingdom, and probably save the girl, but only if he can survive the handful of dangers that await him on his not so epic journey.

Brett Ratner - who has just directed Hercules, yet another film based on the Greek mythical character, to be released later in the year - must have wiped his brow and let out a little sigh when he saw this film. That's because he must surely be safe in the knowledge that there's no way on earth his version can be as eye-wateringly bad as Harlin's.

It's difficult to know exactly where to begin pointing out the Finish director's mistakes. A fairly hefty one is to avoid pretty much the entire mythical side of the character. Hercules is known to have endured the Twelve Labours, where he took on various mythical beasts. This places the character in Clash of the Titans territory, which is no bad thing. Here's the rub though: Harlin decides to ignore these labours – all bar one where he has his Hercules cuddle the Nemean Lion into submission – and make a sword and sandals flick instead. Fair enough, there's a method to his madness; the TV show Spartacus proved popular recently, so it kind of makes sense. More so when he actually includes Liam McIntyre, who played Spartacus towards the ends of the series run.

Here's the difference though: where the TV show was clearly aimed at an adult audience with its many a bouncy boob and even bouncier limbs as they were severed from bodies, this film is a 12A. There truly is more violence in an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon than here; not one drop of blood can be seen throughout the entire thing. No blood, no guts, and definitely no glory. In fact there was far more peril in the 1997 Disney animation of the same name than there is in this film.

Then there is the acting, or more to the point, the lack of any. Lutz gives the kind of performance that makes Schwarzenegger's Conan outings almost Olivier-like in delivery. He used to be a model, apparently. Surprise surprise. Perhaps the reason for no blood spilt is that he didn't want to get his hair wet. But he isn't alone; the rest of the cast struggle to give a decent account of themselves, including a female romantic lead who clearly couldn't ride a horse as well as deliver lines, as Harlin shoots her body double from the neck down at every opportunity on a gee gee.

The one thing it does impressively is make all those dodgy films on Movies4Men look positively Oscar-worthy.

For the last few years Harlin has directed a number of decidedly average TV shows, and perhaps he would have done better to have stayed there instead of getting behind the camera for this mess. If you hear a tap-tap-tap-tapping sound, that's the noise of last few nails being driven into the coffin of his directing career.

If there's one film you need to avoid for the rest of your days, it's this one.