Vampires – they’re bloody everywhere. It seems a lifetime or two ago when you could rely on vampires to have a bit of bite as well as be a bit on the sexy side. If only more films now were like Polanski’s classic Dance of the Vampires.

Sadly, they’ve been adopted by a vast teen audience as mostly retro-romantic figures; TV has True Blood and The Vampire Diaries, while the big screen is currently home to all things Twilight. New Moon is the second instalment of a series of four films.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson are still a couple, despite Edward still being, you know, a vampire. It’s Bella’s birthday and Ed’s family have put on a bit of a do for her. Nothing too fancy – no ice sculpture or chocolate fountain for instance – but it’s the thought that counts.

If pulling this boiled egg out of her ear won't cheer the miserable cow up, nothing will.

While opening a present she gets a paper cut; not normally a biggie, but when you’re in a room full of vampires...one of the family members gets a bit of a thirst on and attempts to attack her. Thankfully, the rest of the family calm the situation down and no-one gets hurt. However, the scenario provides Edward with an insight that proves that it’s just too dangerous for him and Bella to be together, so he breaks up with her.

As you would expect, Bella takes it hard. Being dumped is never nice, and Bella struggles with the concept of being vampire-less for, well, quite some time. To help bring her out of her funk, she spends more time with her old friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner). They get close; so close that it appears that Bella spends less time thinking about old whatshisname, which is no bad thing. However, Jacob has a secret of his own that Bella is yet to discover.

For anyone familiar with Stephenie Meyer’s series of books, the story here won’t be much of a surprise. Which is just as well really, as there’s so little of it. Literally the first half of the film is Stewart moping about the place. And that is it. Fans of pasty Pattinson – of which there are many – will be devastated to learn that he features very little in this title. In fact, he acts as a vampire bookend to the film, making brief appearances at the beg inning and end. This is a real problem considering the film is supposed to be a love story. By taking away one member of that loved-up equation, you just get a whole lot of teen angst that audiences could really do without.

It does aim to introduce another relationship into the mix; that between Bella and Jacob. Unfortunately it is drawn out over such a long period, despite being an obvious direction from the off, that it has no real impact. If this was an episode of True Blood, for example, this entire story would have played out in forty minutes, with at least three other story lines included.

When it does finally shift up a gear, it does so in disappointing style. The introduction of werewolves sounds like it should help inject the necessary excitement quota, but sadly the wolves on display look as terrifying as sleeping muppets. Certainly making the film any longer would have been a far scarier prospect.

Even with the brief introduction of the excellent Michael Sheen, and a new location in Italy, it is all rather too little too late to make any difference.

On this evidence, the Twilight series has been unnecessarily stretched; there’s no reason why this part and the last (or even the next, Eclipse), couldn’t have been merged to make a far tighter narrative. In not doing so, they have seemingly done the series, and its legions of fans, a huge disservice. Not that most of them mind, as long as they get their pound of Pattinson flesh, they’re happy.

This saga needs to understand that the rules have changed since its first instalment, and that it doesn’t have the monopoly on stroppy vamps and their relationships with humans anymore. Audiences expect and, quite rightly, deserve more. With almost every drop of romance, adventure and humour sucked out of this film, Eclipse will certainly need to have more life about it.