Let’s face it, who couldn’t help but get a little excited in their pants at the prospect of a film containing the words ‘ninja’ and ‘assassin’ in its title. Sadly though, having survived a screening of it, two other words are far more appropriate, and they are ‘bitter’ and ‘disappointment’. You probably won’t find them on the poster though.

Raizo (Rain) is a bona fide ninja. He even went to the ninja equivalent of Hogwarts, only with less pointy hats and middle class students who struggle with the concept of acting. It’s not a pleasant experience (again, like Hogwarts), but Raizo passes with flying colours – all of which are of course black.

Man, I knew trying to shave with two blades would be a bad idea.

In Berlin, at the heart of an organisation called Europol, an agent Coretti (Naomie Harris) has managed to link a number of political murders to a network of sneaky assassins. The biggest surprise of all is that the clan involved is the one that raised Raizo. And by ‘biggest’ we of course mean ‘saw it coming a mile off’. This leads to a deadly conflict between one student and his master.

Considering that the film’s director, James McTeigue, was the man behind the camera for the promising-yet-flawed V for Vendetta, hopes of a fairly entertaining yarn were high. Not quite ninja high, but almost.

And don’t be drawn in by the fact that the Wachowski brothers produced it (they also produced V for Vendetta), as the film contains none of their creative flare or imagination.

Unfortunately, McTeigue fails to impress on every level. The story has the complexity of a 30 second washing powder ad. But that can, and most certainly was taken into consideration; after all, no one really expects a truly riveting plot in an action film. About ninjas.

What one does expect from an action film is the ability to see the action. Far too many of the scenes were set at night, against dark backdrops, with ninjas clad in the blackest of outfits, presumably fighting it out to the death. But who knows, maybe they were simply sitting against a black backdrop drinking a black coffee. What makes it worse is also the speed of the action. The majority of scenes are just a blur of black. It certainly sounds thrilling, but with eyes straining to work out what the hell is going on, it’s difficult to know who is who and where. It’s about as useful as a mime (possibly doing their impression of a ninja) on the radio.

And when there is a modicum of light from somewhere, again the action is so fast, you still can’t ascertain good from bad.

Possibly the film’s only saving grace is its acting; it is so awful that it’s the only entertaining thing about the film. Thunderbird puppets manage to emote more than the entire cast of this film.

Even Raizo’s sensei sounds like Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; it would have been more impressive if the wise ratted one was actually in the film, - but only slightly more, mind.

McTeigue attempts some slick shots and bloody scenes, but ultimately he leaves the audience far too isolated from what’s supposed to be transpiring up on the screen. And despite the fact that 3D glasses are currently all the rage, perhaps night vision goggles should have be issued for this one.

In any case, what there is of it you can see, only ends up making you feel that you really wish you hadn’t. So do what you would do if confronted with a ninja in real life – avoid.