Film makers very rarely squish two or more visibly different genres together in the hope of creating some kind of movie mash-up. One of the most memorable attempts in recent years was the bank heist/vampire film From Dusk Till Dawn brought to our screens by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez.

After a promising debut with 1994's Shopping British director Paul W.S. Anderson has pretty much concentrated all his efforts on producing the Resident Evil franchise. And who can blame him: if he didn't, his wife actress Milla Jovovich would be permanently out of work.

Not known for his cutting edge creativity, Anderson has gone for something a little different for his latest project: he has welded a gladiator film onto the front end of a disaster film. The result? Just the kind of messy state of affairs that it sounds.

A young boy witnesses the true horror of a Roman invasion: not only the murder of his parents, but the virtual annihilation of his Celtic race. Seventeen years on, he is miraculously still alive although by no means free. Milo (Kit Harington) is not just a slave, but a fighter for the entertainment of others.

When some bigwig Romans come to town they notice his remarkable talent for fighting and decide to whisk him away to Pompeii where he can compete on a far grander stage, graduating from your regular brawler to proper gladiator.

It is there that he is thrown in the arena and forced to fight for his life. It's a worthless existence, or it would be if he hadn't crossed paths with the lovely Cassia (Emily Browning). Unfortunately for them both, someone else has their eye on her: Roman bigwig Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland). As you would expect, this is more than a little awkward.

His unwanted attention puts their relationship on shaky ground: but wait, that could just be Mount Vesuvius rumbling in the background. No one has seemed to notice that Vesuvius has been pretty active of late. Still, no need to worry...

Not long into this dippy effort and you can't help wondering if Anderson owns a TV. In recent years it has shown the truly brutal series Spartacus; with its sword-wielding violence and embarrassing amount of female nudity, the result is definitely adult material.

So what the world really needs is a PG version of events where although Romans have large swords, when they stick them in folk they don't bleed at all but instead simply fall to the ground, no doubt to have a little nap from all the fighting. It would have been far more brutal to have them all just play slapsies. Funnily enough, the lack of any convincing violence is the least of this film's problems.

Up until now, Harington is best known for his role as Jon Snow in the TV show Game of Thrones. His performance here proves, sadly, that perhaps he's not quite ready to leave the Night's Watch behind. He struggles with the duties of being a leading man from the off, coming across as being about as macho as a marshmallow. If it's any consolation, he's not alone in his naffness.

What happens when you mix one lot of H20 with another? That's right, nothing (except you get more wet stuff). This is the extent of the kind of chemistry between Harington and Browning. Browning gives such an incredibly lifeless performance, you would have to wonder if the crew had to occasionally pull the top off of her valve and pump her up just to keep her inflated. Even when she blinks she looks like an animatronic.

And then there's Kiefer Sutherland. Obviously after playing the good guy for so many years as Jack Bauer, you can appreciate his keenness to take a stroll on the dark side. But someone must have made the mistake of giving him the 1970's comedy series Up Pompeii! to watch as research, as he appears to be channelling Frankie Howard throughout. Either that or he got the direction 'mincing' confused with 'menacing'. An easy mistake to make.

No doubt the reason the film was released in 3D was a last ditched attempt to give the characters some kind of dimensional aspect. It didn't work.

How Anderson missed all this is anyone's guess. His direction isn't so much phoned in,as tapped in using Morse code by a fingerless man. He does get quite a few laughs with the back end disaster element though, despite none of them being intentional. Suffice to say that he's down to next direct – wait for it – Resident Evil 6, with a certain Ms Jovovich to star in. That's right Paul, stick to what you know in future, because all you've managed to create with this drab mash-up of yours is nothing but mush.