Back in the eighties, if you had a problem, one that no one else could help you with, and if you could find them, you could hire The A-Team.

They were four guys who made up a crack commando unit who were sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit. No really they didn’t. Anyway, they broke out and became soldiers of fortune. They loved helping people out; they even helped out Boy George once, which was nice of them. They stuck around for five years and then disappeared forever. Until now. Cue music.

If you were a kid growing up in that decade, it was a must-see show. If you happen to catch any of the episodes today, you’ll soon realise how easily pleased we all were. But it did have everything we ever wanted in a show at the time. Guns, cars, funny one-liners and lots of punches to the face. It had it all.

It’s 2010 and there’s a new crack commando unit in town. But they’re not the A-Team. Sure, they may call themselves the A-Team and go by its members' names, but they’re just kidding themselves. And us, unfortunately. The producers could call it a love letter to the original show, but in reality it’s just a rather large cheque made payable to Hollywood.

Holy guacamole, where's the real A-Team when you need them?!

The problem is that it relies far too heavily on borrowed cultural references from the original show. The unmistakeable theme tune conjured up by the genius of Mike Post is constantly used throughout. The four leads supplied by Liam Neeson (Hannibal), Bradley Cooper (Face), Quinton Jackson (BA) and Sharlto Copley (Murdock) are nothing short of vulgar impersonations. Without the masks that superheroes can hide behind, the four of them are left to dish out catchphrases and mannerisms that are not only decades old, but also that simply don’t belong to them. It’s like a sketch that Jon Culshaw might do that just runs on for far too long. In short, it’s a faded, tatty photocopy of its former self.

It really doesn’t do itself any favours with the story either. Not only does it deal with the back story of the four of them meeting – which admittedly it does rather well by getting it over and done with within the time frame of the opening credits – but it then spins out an unnecessary tale of double-crossing espionage that would have George Peppard shouting in his grave “You call that a plan?”. It’s tosh of the highest order. Not only that, it also takes itself far too seriously, which of course, the TV show never did.

You also have to feel sorry for original cast members Dirk Benedict (Face) and Dwight Schultz (Murdock), whose brief cameos are just tacked onto the film’s end credits like an embarrassing after thought. Who would have thought that out of the three surviving members of the TV show, Mr T would be the one with a bit of integrity to be a no-show for the film? Either that or he was too busy playing World of Warcraft and stuffing his face with a lifetime’s supply of Snicker bars.

Even if you are completely unaware of the show, the film doesn’t have any saving graces. A film about four guys who get themselves into a bit of trouble, then have to get themselves out of said trouble is about as entertaining as a dripping tap.

If you’re a fan of the original show, don’t let curiosity get the better of you; not only does it kill cats, it also destroys fond childhood memories of TV shows from yesteryear.

At some point audiences have to send a clear message to the hills of Hollywood that they are not willing to sit through any more of this re-hashed nonsense. The best way to do that is to vote with your bums and stay at home. If you don’t, you’ll only have yourself to blame when they release Will & Grace – The Movie (Starring Sandra Bullock and Bruce Willis) at a Cineplex near you soon.