Tough love can be hard to accept, but sometimes it’s necessary. This is one of those times. This is an awful film. In fact it’s far worse than that. It has no redeemable qualities whatsoever; even the title is crap. It really should have been called Something You Never Dreamt Would Happen, But Finally Has.

Woody Allen is undoubtedly responsible for some of the finest films ever made. You know, like Manhattan and that. But recently he has produced some real cinematic drivel: Melinda, Melinda; Match Point, Scoop – all examples of one of the greatest directors of all time winding down his career in a truly devastating fashion.

It’s so very, very sad.

For many years, you were guaranteed his trademark angst and Jewish humour; he wrote characters you could identify with and, more importantly, care for. Who couldn’t help but fall in love with Hannah and Her Sisters? Here though, is an empty bowl of nothingness, underwhelmingly performed by actors du jour.

I'm laughing because otherwise I would cry - how about you?

Vicky (Rebecca Hall) invites friend Cristina (Scarlett Johansson) to stay with her in Barcelona for the summer, at the home of friends of her parents. There they both meet and fall for dashing artist Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem). He attempts to seduce them both and succeeds. However, not only is Vicky engaged to be married, Juan Antonio’s fiery ex-wife Maria (Penélope Cruz) returns to the scene, causing further complications for all.

The first set of alarm bells are ringing minutes into the film, with the use of a male narration. He is not a character in the film, but a voice that explains exactly what we see on the screen. It is without personality, or indeed function. In other words – pointless.

Then there’s the script: it is completely devoid of any humour whatsoever; sure in places, the characters revel in their emotional incompetency, but without any passion or meaning it has about as much impact as wobbling jelly. It’s a sad world indeed when even Woody Allen can’t do funny anymore.

What he can still do though is attract the talent – although his latest muse Johansson, is still a widely overrated quantity; she has yet to prove that she has true range, and is still unable to summon a flicker of emotion behind her marbled eyes. If anyone should have starred in the remake of The Stepford Wives, it should have been her.

Then you have the European powerhouse contingency that is Bardem and Cruz. Perhaps if Pedro Almodóvar had them in front of his lenses, he could have produced something vaguely resembling an incendiary relationship. But for Allen, there’s no smoke and certainly no fire. And if the Academy deemed Cruz’s performance as being truly worthy of her Oscar, then this can only give hope to Paris Hilton and whatever ‘film’ she appears in next. There’s no doubting the acting abilities of either Bardem or Cruz, but they really are nothing more than attractively tanned wallpaper here.

There’s only one member of the cast that comes out of this mess with a modicum of respect – and that’s the city of Barcelona itself. Whereas Manhattan has often been a worthy supporting actor in many of Allen’s films, Catalonia’s capital gives a decent account of itself here, and certainly outshines the rest of the cast.

Whereas Allen’s directing idol Ingmar Bergman was able to direct interesting and provocative films right up until his death, Allen’s current run of films sees himself in the deepest of creative droughts; the kind of bleak drought that even Bear Grylls couldn’t rescue him from. It’s akin to someone like Hitchcock, writing and directing Saw XII. It’s just not right.

It’s no surprise that Allen – now in his seventies – is producing films far from his best, but for a director of his calibre to fall so greatly is just an indescribable shame. If there’s one film that should vanish from his CV, it should be this one. And Match Point. And Scoop...

Ironically, Cruz’s character sums up the overall feeling of watching this film perfectly – “chronic dissatisfaction”. Some might argue that even at the risk of sullying a mighty career, a bad Woody Allen film is still worth watching. This, sadly, proves them all wrong. If you have any fondness in your heart for the work of Woody, for the love of God, stay clear of this. This film could easily signal the death knell to his amazing career. If that’s the case, with regret, RIP Woody Allen. You will be sorely missed.